Friday, October 26, 2012

We Can Be Friends

I don't understand why some guys automatically assume it's more than friendship we're having. And when I disappoint, I get the "let's be friends" speech.

The thing is, I don't feel it's friendship in the first place. Not yet. It was on its way there. The sex part is irrelevant. And I don't categorize "friends with benefits" as a relationship.

I don't understand why some guys think it's on a verge of an intimate relationship after sex, when sex came first before getting to know each other. When I meet someone for the first time and we have sex right then and there, to me, it's not about finding good company anymore. It's simply looking for someone likely just as sexually frustrated as I am, and looking for release.

Frankly, I enjoy a small chatter over a cup of coffee. Then get to know each other more. If sex comes down the line then I think that's more romance. Then I'll think that's leading towards something more than friendship.

But as much as I am a hopeful spirit, I have learned there's no permanent thing as long as I am in a foreign land. Even friendships come and go, and we all move on.

So please. If we are out to meet people to have fun, then let's have fun. But don't expect a bright and shining future partner right after the first meeting, when all we did was hook up. And don't give that "friends" speech after you realize I'm not the guy for you. Sex is sex. Friendship is another. It's simple.

The Eyes Do Lie

"The eyes are the windows of your soul."
"Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me... "
" If he looks at you this way, he's lying."
... And all a bunch of stuff
... What a load of crap!

     To anyone who read "The Country of the Blind" by H.G. Wells, you won't be too puzzled with my behaviour.

     I was raised not to look straight in the eyes when communicating especially to elders. It is an insulting address of deliberate disrespect, doing so. We often watch the lips to have a bit more confirmation to what we're listening to. A harmonious duet of our eyes and ears.

     I most often look down on to the floor or at a blank space. Or just phase out my vision elsewhere, mostly directing my ears more to where or whom I'm listening to. It's my way of giving full attention to the speaker. I've been accused of lying and/or not paying attention because of this. I think it's unfair.  I have the ability to see what you say.  That makes me an excellent listener.  But that demands me to find a blank canvass and paint images as you dictate them.  And your face, especially your eyes, is not a blank canvass.

     Do not ask me to look at you straight in the eyes because it's very uncomfortable to me... Unless I'm angrily challenging your position. Everyone who knew always shy away once I look.  My eyes aren't threatening.  But once you force me to look at you, I do it with full intentions.

     I can easily give a speech looking straight without unconsciously looking left and right. It's what we were taught at school. Basic and polite. So don't tell me I'm thinking creatively whenever I glance to the left.

     I don't believe there's such textbook interpretations on human actions.  Get to know me.  Talk to me.  Let me open up to you.  By then you'll be familiar of what I mean by what I do... if you're smart.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

I Have No Future

It think it began at age 25 when I came to realize this. At that time, my world was turned upside down. I had no friends. I was sent away to a foreign country by my mom. My siblings either don't understand or don't care.

The only person who has my back is my dad. But even then he lived quite far. He has his own plethora of problems. And I am a man.

I was pushed beyond my limits when the entire department (where I work) ganged up on me... Long story and irrelevant for now... The fight was so big; they got our superiors blind-sided.

It was then that I realized, I have no future. I am nothing.

I didn't finish highschool. I'm a lazy person raised dependent yet abused. I have no trade skill because of this. I left my country a single person. This and many more things I'm too lazy to mention, made me realize I got nothing to go back home to. No reason at all. Unemployable. No assets. And now, no family.

I have no future. I am nothing. Therefore I got nothing to lose. Should I be killed in a foreign land it wouldn't matter. I won't be missed. I got no family nor loved one to worry about.

This makes me feel good about myself. It made me brave. I treasure living, but I'm not afraid to die.

I'm Sorry?

An apology is now bullshit.
When I was young I learned saying "sorry" is the first step to make amends. So that word is powerful and strong. And it should be expressed with sincerity and with the right reasons.

The right reasons...

Now what would the right reasons be? I have a new friend who keeps apologizing for the slightest faults even when not needed.

But who needs the apology?

Sometimes I feel that an apology is abused or misused. I notice people apologise to get rid of their guilt. It's all about their guilt and not making amends.

"Well, I apologized and did what I could."
The sign of giving up. The sign of what's actually happening: insincerity. It's not about the offender making amends. It's about the offender feeling better about himself/herself. That he/she could wash hands and not care.

My exact sentiments about this was said by Dr. Bailey in Grey's Anatomy.
"You don't get to apologize and feel good about yourselves."

I say yes. Don't apologize to me if it's not for me anyway.