It think it began at age 25 when I came to realize this. At that time, my world was turned upside down. I had no friends. I was sent away to a foreign country by my mom. My siblings either don't understand or don't care.
The only person who has my back is my dad. But even then he lived quite far. He has his own plethora of problems. And I am a man.
I was pushed beyond my limits when the entire department (where I work) ganged up on me... Long story and irrelevant for now... The fight was so big; they got our superiors blind-sided.
It was then that I realized, I have no future. I am nothing.
I didn't finish highschool. I'm a lazy person raised dependent yet abused. I have no trade skill because of this. I left my country a single person. This and many more things I'm too lazy to mention, made me realize I got nothing to go back home to. No reason at all. Unemployable. No assets. And now, no family.
I have no future. I am nothing. Therefore I got nothing to lose. Should I be killed in a foreign land it wouldn't matter. I won't be missed. I got no family nor loved one to worry about.
This makes me feel good about myself. It made me brave. I treasure living, but I'm not afraid to die.